Christmas tomorrow. Spent the whole morning at Vic Market buying seafood, breads, cheese, dips, fruit etc for the day. It's tradition now in Australia to have fresh seafood (like king prawns or something) for lunch rather than a turkey simply because it's pretty much always hot on Christmas day here and it would be insane to have a hot oven on all day followed by a hot meal. I just decided I kind of hate Christmas. Everyone is stressed, you have to see people you'd rather not see, it's expensive, and your friends are all busy with their families so you can't hang out on Christmas Day. Best thing about Christmas is the post-xmas clothing sales. $40 jeans, here I come.

I have a before and after for you guys.

A year ago this is what my legs and stomach looked like:

I just looked... soft kind of. I weighed a lot less, around 44-45kg (97lbs)

This is me now this summer:

I now weigh 50kg (110lbs), but I think there's a noticeable difference! my rib cage looks semi-scary here, it doesn't look like that when I stand up of course! *shudders*.

Anyway, Happy Holidays and all that shit ♥

 

Today I realised how much I need to change. For yeeaaaars I've discarded friends and boyfriends as if they didn't have feelings. I am not good at making friends, I don't know why, I guess I have high standards (and lots of double standards!) and I judge the shit out of people before I get to truly know them. Horrible habit. I have an incredibly unpredictable personality, one minute I'll love you, the next I want you right out of my life. Amb is the only person I've ever consistently adored. Weird. I developed an invisible protective shield when I was really young, I started to kind of resent boys in my early teens and consequently found it incredibly easy to kick them out of my life when they pissed me off a bit, never to speak to them again. I have never been dumped, I don't know what it feels like to be rejected, I am not that normal in that respect. I need to grow up. And I need to stop comparing every guy to Amb, they don't have a hope in hell of meaning as much to me as he does so I need to just figure out a whole new way of thinking about that.

I used to think something must have been wrong with me because I'd become friends with say, some dude, and after a while he'd tell me he loved me. And we'd be in this intense friendship where we were hanging daily or whatever and then as soon as they dropped the L bomb I'd just cut off all contact straight away, my 'give a fuck' meter would take a dive to zero from its previous spot at 100 and I'd feel absolutely no guilt about cutting them out of my life. I did it so many times I almost felt like a sociopath. I did it with girl friends too. My sister could never believe it and my mum was always perplexed by my style with guys, telling someone once "Frieda keeps guys interested in her by acting like they'd be so lucky as to have her attention", and I guess it's true. I always make the rules, I might be rude every now and then, but if you're rude back.. it's over. My social skills are fairly awful. I put it down to immaturity but also reacting to shit that's happened in the past, or observations I've made of others. I am incapable of behaving like I'm 'desperate', after a ridiculous relationship I had with a boy I was head over heels with when I was only 14 I have kept an emotional distance from all subsequent boyfriends (except Amb) and it works a charm. I can escape so easily. Life just feels easier when you're an enigma to everyone except your family and a couple of other friends for life. But I need to be a nicer person, I really really need to. Or things are just going to get so miserable. Thanks for reading.